Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.