Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Uh oh 👀

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Good Morning.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

First I was a pebble..

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good