Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

For real 🤣

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.