Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

getting old is fun

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Why is everyone getting married at me

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?