imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Be vigilant
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I’m ready to try another planet.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*