Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]