Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.