Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?