Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af