Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.