Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile