Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
That’s classic.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
cry laughing at this shit
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”