Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
How software testing works
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*