Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”