Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
So that’s what we looked like?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
#Caturday
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
how to have fun when you’re poor
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.