Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.


Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.


Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…


ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.


Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*


Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*


5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?