@chrislhayes

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

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@TheRealAnchovy

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@Donna_McCoy

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

@squirrel74wkgn

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

@lmegordon

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@Lisacossey1

Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?