Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.