#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site