Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.