Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
She knows her part so well!