Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)