Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?