Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
You Might Also Like
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does