Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can