Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
oh my gosh!!
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
when you order from DoorDastardly
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
tell em, edith-anne
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.