Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
New favorite tiktok
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.