Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

First I was a pebble..

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Beware…..