Imma just leave this here…………
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
