Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.