Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

I put the I in Insufferable.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Perfection.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?