I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.