Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?