Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away