*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like