Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Erm I’m gonna say no

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

So sick of all these stupid rules

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂