Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
😆this is so true
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Interior design 👌
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold