Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Nice try, NASA
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry