Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
