Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”