Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*