Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Seems legit.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.