Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.