Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
You Might Also Like
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet