Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya