Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us