Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin