Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.