Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1467964371284463616/pu/vid/404x720/hHKJ-tVGPWGGWyq0.mp4?tag=12

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.