Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.