Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
how to market bottled water to dads
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”