Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Life is a suicide mission.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.