Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us