Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.