#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy