imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.