*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
how DARE
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭