Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.