*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I hate my earbuds.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg