*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭