“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
what the
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.