“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.