Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.