Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”