Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.