Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
😂😂
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Tastes like chicken.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.