Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
this is so top tier i cant
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer