Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Real House Wines.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.