IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Awwwww shit.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen