biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour