Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
